The Triumphs and Tribulations of Wiz

The following excerpts are allegedly culled from church magazines.....

Thank G-d for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."